Are We Turning into Lonely Islands ?

Man is by nature a social animal. Even those of us who cherish our solitude seek company from time to time. Unless you are a yogi totally immersed in the search for self realization, I don’t think anybody would like to live a totally solitary life!

I sometimes feel that in today’s world, we are slowly turning into lonely islands. We definitely live in wonderful times in terms of communication. We have the latest gizmos at our disposal that allow us to connect with each other in mere seconds. But I wonder if this is not isolating us more from each other rather than helping us! I was travelling in the metro a few days back and the train was full of Delhi University students. You would expect them to create a ruckus talking and laughing together right? Dead wrong! All of them were either busy texting, browsing the net on their mobiles or had earphones stuck in their ears. There was no interaction at all! We have hundreds of friends on facebook and we buzz each other constantly. I wonder exactly how many of our numerous facebook friends can actually be called when we are in trouble. 1, may be 2?

Nowadays, most of us live and work alone. And I don’t mean just the single people, even young couples living alone in a new city feel isolated because they are away from their families. Earlier, at least in India tension and stress could be diffused easily because we had so many people to talk to- parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends. Now most of us live away from our parents and are hardly in touch with our cousins and childhood friends who themselves have flown the nest in search of their dreams.

Lack of a solid support system and the hectic lives that we lead are the main reasons for the increase in loneliness and stress. This makes it even more important for us to make extra efforts to be friendly with the people around us. But we are so busy and involved in our own selves that we don’t even have time to say hello or give a little smile to others. We don’t know who our next door neighbor is and in some cases we don’t even know who the guy sitting in the next cubicle at work is.

We live isolated lives, feeling alone and uncared for, worrying over the issues and problems in our lives, not able to share them with anyone. And this makes the problems seem much much worse than they actually are!

I remember a colleague telling me that she saw another girl crying in the washroom at work. When I asked her if she asked the girl what was wrong, my colleague replied that she was running late for a meeting and had no time to get involved in others problems! In our race to earn more money, live in a bigger house, get that promotion, meet that deadline we are forgetting small things such as empathy and compassion. And believe me, in the long run these things matter more than all the materialistic things put together.

Now you might ask how a smile or even a few words of greeting can make a difference in the life of a person who is facing an extremely difficult situation in life. I read a story once in Chicken soup for the soul in which a young girl recounts how she had decided to kill herself because of an abusive stepfather. That day in school, her creative writing teacher complimented her about her writing skills and told her she could be a great writer one day. Just because of those few words of praise the girl felt her life was worth living and she dropped the idea of suicide. Sometimes just the feeling that people care enough about us to smile at us is enough. All we need is someone to listen to us and sympathize with us. We don’t need people to find solutions to our problems; we just need a few kind words!

Whenever I am down in the dumps I read a message I got from my friend in which she thanked me for her friendship and told me what a wonderful human being and friend I am. It never fails to cheer me up!
So let’s make a beginning today. Smile at colleagues, talk to the lady you sit next to in the bus every day, compliment your team mates about the good work they are doing. You will not only make their day, but believe me; this will also make you feel really happy!

Preeti of Just a mother of two has also blogged about the growing “urban apathy”. She writes about Free Love Day, an event that is happening worldwide on 25th April to promote awareness about suicide and depression, as well as a Lifestyle to promote unconditional love. Why not join in and spread the word!

It’s time we build bridges across those lonely islands!

Driving Stereotypes !

The lane leading up to my house is really narrow and there is no way two cars can pass side by side specially if there are cars already parked on both sides of the lane.
So I was driving up this lane when another car with a woman driver turned the corner and started coming straight towards me. She realized too late that  she would not be able to pass me so she stopped. I rolled down my window and told her to back her car – there was a lot of space to reverse on her side and none on mine. She tried backing, but instead of going back straight she almost hit the car parked on the right side of the lane and then reversed too much on the left and almost hit the car parked there. She kept doing this for about 4-5 minutes. I could see she was novice and was getting really nervous. It was also raining really hard and that made matters worse. By this time there were at least four cars behind me all honking.
Finally I got down, politely asked her if she needed help. She said she was new to driving and was not confident enough about reversing her car in a crowded lane. I got in her car, reversed it, walked back to my car and drove home.
All’s well that ends well. So why am I telling you this story? Because while I was out there trying to help her in the pouring rain, the male drivers in the cars behind me had all got together and were laughing and passing comments on the stupidity of women drivers.
Perhaps the esteemed gentlemen in our housing society were born with perfect driving skills? Or perhaps they think it’s good manners to laugh at someone in distress rather than help him/her ?

The "What Will People Say" Syndrome !

There is this strange syndrome we Indians seem to be afflicted with, and it’s known as the “What will People Say” syndrome. This syndrome afflicts people of all ages and sex but the biggest causality is the Indian woman. The one sentence that the Indian woman fears the most after the much dreaded “Please Adjust” is “What will People Say “. Their whole lives are governed by this statement. Want to stay out and party all night?” Oh No! What will people say” Feel like giving your husband a hug in Public – “Che Che What will people say!” Don’t want to get married? “Oh No! What will people say ! “

I wonder if we realize how much we let this syndrome rules our lives! Our behavior and actions are not a result of what we actually want to do but are molded by our fear of how they will be interpreted by society. This mentality of worrying about what people will say is made worse by the fact that we Indians are by far the most inquisitive and interfering people I have ever come across. In other countries people don’t give a damn if you are single, married or living in, straight or gay, have kids or don’t have kids. Not so in our country! People will not only pry out every intimate juicy detail of your life, they will give you free advice and then make all the information fodder for gossip! Since our society spends half the time meddling in others affairs and the other half gossiping about it, it makes us even more conscious of doing anything without first thinking about “What people will say !”

Thankfully my family is not afflicted with this syndrome and lets me live my life the way I want but our “well wishers” can’t seem to get over our bohemian attitude! Once a neighbor asked my mother, “Aapki daughter akele rehti hai aapko dar nahi lagta log kya Kahenge” (your daughter stays alone aren’t you worried about what will people say!) My mother tartly retorted “kahenge ki inhone apni beti ko kitna independent banaya hai !) (People will say look how independent their daughter is!)

“What will People say” has seeped so much into our mindset that we unconsciously do only the things that society wants or expects us to do. Restrictions are imposed on women after marriage (what they can wear, if they can work or not etc etc) simply became now society expects them to behave in a certain manner! Parents are more concerned about their girls getting married “at the correct age” not because they want them to find a life partner but because people will talk if the girl is unmarried. I know couples who’ve had kids because people expect you to have kids after 1-2 years of marriage. Otherwise they start asking questions. Somehow I always thought you have kids because you want to and not because society wants you to procreate!

On a serious note, I have seen so many examples of the “what will people say” syndrome ruin lives or thwart dreams. A lot of women don’t walk out of unhappy or abusive marriages not because they are scared of staying alone and starting their lives over but because they are terrified of the social stigma they will face. Women don’t mind if their kids grow up in abusive families but they don’t go for a divorce simple because “the flak my child will have to face once people find out he comes from a broken home”. I wonder if this same society of wagging tongues will actually come and help when the woman is going through torture. Or Take the case of a girl who still hasn’t found a husband. She may be perfectly happy working and living with her parents while she waits to meet the right guy but society literally makes her life hell with their persistent questions till she marries the first guy that comes along through sheer frustration ! I have even seen examples of midle aged females living alone who dont encourage their male cousins or friends to visit them for fear of what people will say !

 The biggest irony is that we are worried about what people will say but don’t realize that the same “People” will talk whatever we do. Either way It’s a lose – lose situation. It’s like this very famous story of the Old Man, young boy and the donkey. What we do can never please everyone so we might as well as do what we want !

 I am not suggesting that we defy social norms and live a sort of anarchical existence. Our social dictates as well as fear of social pressure does keep us in check and prevents us from unethical and unacceptable behavior or actions. But I wonder how many people think about what “People will say” when they are breaking rules, littering the roads or even misbehaving with females, asking for dowry etc?

What really surprises me is why we let society overpower us so much. Don’t we have our own sense of right or wrong that we have to look for society’s approval each time? Why can’t we listen to our inner voice and do what we really want to do! It takes a lot of courage to defy society and live the kind of life you want. Ask any woman (or even man for that matter) who have decided to go off the beaten track. But it’s high time we stop being a puppet in the hands of “People” and learn to live our lives the way we want!

Is Discipline a Forgotten Word ?

The recent Tsunami in Japan really shook me up. Watching the tsunami ravage a land that I have such good memories of was very distressing and painful. But amidst all the disaster what really struck me was the orderly and organized way things are still functioning in Japan. There was no mayhem and no lawlessness in the aftermath of this tragedy. I read a few articles including this one about the dignified way the Japanese people are conducting themselves. Even Vishnu Som of NDTV, said in one of his news reports that he was amazed at how stoic and calm the Japanese were in the face of this tragedy. If we had a situation like this here, there was bound to be some looting and fighting over the rations handed over at the evacuation camps. In case of Japan, food was scarce, so was water but there was no scrambling and no pushing or shoving. People were disciplined and calm; standing patiently in serpentine queues waiting for their turn. Even in big cities like Tokyo that faced a scarcity of food, there was no chaos. A friend in Tokyo sent me a email in which he wrote : “Few shops have food today. There are long queues of people waiting to buy water or necessary food items but everybody is waiting patiently in lines and only taking what they really need.”
 I am not really surprised! I have worked with the Japanese people long enough to understand the way their mind works. Values and ethics are too deeply ingrained in them and Honor is extremely important. The feeling that if you do something wrong, you disgrace your family and your nation is very strong. I think the main reason for this is that Japan is a homogenous society. It is not a melting pot of diverse religions and cultures and languages. So unity and national pride that they feel is tremendous. They also have a tremendous Sense of responsibility and accountability towards the nation and society. There is a strong sense of community and team work and they always put” We” before” I”. They are also extremely disciplined people.
I have had so many firsthand experiences of the Japanese sense of discipline and honesty. The Japanese trains during rush hour are extremely crowded, so much so that they need “pushers” to push people inside so the automatic doors can close. But while waiting for trains, not one person steps out of line. People queue up and wait patiently for passengers to get down before they board. Now compare this with getting in and out of Metro trains in Delhi. I was trying to get off at the Rajiv Chowk Metro station once and there was such a rush of people trying to get in that I was pushed back and hit the door on the other end of the compartment. Can you believe it !
 In Japan rules are meant to be adhered to and the fact that they can break the rules doesn’t even occur to the Japanese. There is no “chalta hai” attitude there. In all my years in Japan, I have never seen anyone jump red lights, break queues or jaywalk.
Once in Tokyo, I dropped a billfold filled with cash in front of the bank ATM. I was extremely worried and was not really expecting to get it back. But nevertheless I went to the police station and found that someone had already deposited my wallet there. I told my Japanese friend how nice it was that someone returned the money to the police station. She looked at me as if I was crazy and said well what else could he do? The money wasn’t his?
 Japan is definitely not crime free. They have their share of crime but by large the people are honest. I Never have to worry about security and safety while in Japan. And you can be dead sure you won’t be cheated by anyone there.
The Japanese society is certainly not perfect. Homogenous culture is also perhaps a reason why Japan is such a closed society and they find it so difficult to deal with or open up to foreigners. Japanese Society has its pitfalls, some of them very serious ones but I have to give them this, they are the most ethical and disciplined race I have ever met. And I honestly believe that you can only behave in such a dignified manner in the face of tragedy if you have been practicing ethics and discipline in your day to day life.
 I sometimes wonder why so few of us in India are conscientious. Aren’t all of us taught ethics and moral values when we are kids? And god knows we have enough national pride stuffed down our throats!
Then why are so many of us so uncouth and undisciplined and dishonest? Why can’t we even do the basic things like standing in queues and not jumping red lights? Why can’t we be a bit more considerate towards others and why do we always put “I” before “We” in India ? Is it because we’re so overpopulated, is it the economic disparity? Or have we simply forgotten what ethics and discipline is all about?
 I’d be interested to know what you think!

 (Note – This post is in no way trying to belittle Indian society or praise the Japanese society to high heaven. I have simply pointed out a few issues that I have noticed. I am an Indian and I love my country very dearly. But that will not stop me from discussing the things that I don’t like! )

Meeting Bond Saheb !

I have been a bad girl! I promised to do a Blog Marathon this month, wrote faithfully for 11 days and then promptly disappeared! My sincere apologies but I was really and truly hard pressed for time and didn’t want to write half hearted posts just for the heck of writing. It’s more important to write posts worth reading rather than just mindless blabber is it not! Any how now that I have apologized (and hope to be forgiven :) ) let me tell me you what I have been up to. I went to the Penguin Spring Fever Festival on Sunday and Met Ruskin Bond! If you have been reading me for a while you will know that for me Ruskin Bond equals God. I don’t think a greater fan ever lived than me! I have all his books and have read each one of them countless times. The kind of life I would love to lead is the kind of life he is leading right now; tucked away among the mountains, doing what he loves to do best– Writing.
So when I found out that Penguin India was organizing a conversation between Vishal Bhardwaj and Ruskin Bond on the last day of their spring fever fest I knew I simply had to be there! I badgered the poor lady at Penguin for invites till she finally sent me a few. I then badgered my friend M to accompany me. She was not too keen to dislodge herself from in front of her TV on a Sunday but I got my way by bribing her with dinner at the American Diner after the show.
The program was at habitat center, a place that I really love for its architecture and ambiance. We reached there around 5 pm and started browsing the books Penguin had displayed. I was looking around idly when I spotted a man standing in a corner, talking to someone. Suddenly with a jolt I realized that it was Ruskin Bond. I was so excited that I could only pull at my friends sleeve and point excitedly in his direction. M asked me why don’t I go and talk to him. But I didn’t want to barge in a private conversation so I just stood where I was. I am really weird that way. Someone else would have run to meet her idol and here I was standing and gaping but too shy to go and talk to him. M was well aware of my obsession with Ruskin Bond so she literally dragged me to him. By that time he had already started walking away. I was about to turn away disappointed when M ran after him shouting Mr. Bond Mr. Bond. He turned around and smiled and M literally pushed me forward. He signed a few books for me and I finally got a chance to talk with my idol. There was still an hour for the program to begin and there were very few people about so we could chat undisturbed. He is such a sweet and gentle soul! So quiet and unassuming! This was my second interaction with Ruskin Bond and once again I was left enchanted. M who hadn’t met him before is now totally under his spell! Finally he went back inside and I walked back in a trance.
Vishal Bhardwaj and Ruskin Bond walked in around 7 to a rousing applause and strains of what else but the Daaaarling song! The conversation between them was moderated by Mahmood Farooqui the Co-Writer of Peepli live. They mostly spoke about adapting stories from movies as two of Vishal’s movies are based on stories by Ruskin Bond (Blue Umbrella and off course Saat Khoon Maaf).The original story Susanna’s Seven Husbands by Ruskin Bond is actually a light hearted short story. Once Vishal Bhardwaj decided to make a movie out of it Bond Saheb (As he referred to Ruskin Bond!) had to re write it into a novella form. Finally Vishal made it into something as dark and sinister as Saat Khoon Maaf. I feel the original story is much more interesting (But then I am more of a reader and a movie buff!)
Ruskin Bond also spoke about creative writing for a bit and I hung on to each word!
After the program we watched a bit of the Quawalli organized by Penguin and then went to the American Diner where to show our happiness for a evening well spent we downed 3 tequilas one after the other. So on Sunday night, if you saw a two supposedly dignified young ladies sitting in a corner of American Diner downing tequilas and talking giddily you know who they were!!

Leaving you with a few snaps we clicked that day from our mobiles (not very good quality I am afraid!)