Just Married - Please Excuse - Book Review !

What happens when a MBA fresh out of B school falls in love with her senior at work and they decide to tumble into the land of holy matrimony after just three months of courting – mayhem and loads of fun ! This is what Just Married Please excuse is all about!

Written By Yashodhara Lal who blogs at Y on earth Not ! Just Married Please excuse is a roller coaster ride of a young couple into marriage and then parenthood. The main characters are Y – the modern, willful and slightly strong headed girl from Delhi who falls in love with the much older Vijay from small town Jaipur. The book covers their journey right from their first date – where they drive 5 hours one way to “feed the ducks” to marriage and then on to the birth of their first child. It’s not only a tale of two couples from diverse backgrounds falling in love but also of the changing life styles in urban India and how a young marriage survives the changing times and two demanding careers!

There is no riveting storyline here, nothing to keep you on tenterhooks.This book is just a series of anecdotes from the couple's life.A lot of married people are going to read this book and shrug their shoulders and say something like "been here done that!"

However, what saves this book from being mundane and boring is Yashodhara’s extremely witty style of writing. She writes with a lot of honesty and candor and has the ability to find humor everywhere – She may not have found the incidents so funny in real life but she does make us laugh with the way she relates them in her book.

Another interesting thing about the book are the people who in a movie would be called “character Actors”. This includes the parents and the assortment of household help the couple hires. Most of them are quirky and add an interesting edge to the whole storyline. My favorite is Kajal; the maid Y gets from Delhi to look after the baby. Kajal loves the baby to death but gives us many moments of mirth thanks to her bumbling ways and her attitude towards the Jamai Babu (Vijay) of the house!

This is a very good first book by Yashodhara and I look forward to more tales from the Y and V household !

This book review is part of the Harper Collins/Indiblogger Book Review Program 

The one in which we go under the Knife !

I had some surgery two weeks back. Nothing major, something rather inconsequential but then knowing me, something funny is bound to happen to me even within the four walls of a hospital! 

For starters I am going through this stage of “I am a self-sufficient person and don’t need to rely on anyone” for quite a while (frankly for the last 15 years or so with no signs of abating). So to keep up this facade I decided I didn’t need my parents to accompany me to the hospital. The idea was to drive to the hospital, check myself in and the parents could make their entry once the surgery was over. Obviously all my objections were overruled and I was declared quite mad by the family. 

I was asked not to eat or drink anything before the surgery and that day of all days my bua (who had made a guest appearance from Chandigarh because she did not want to miss the momentous occasion of her niece going under the knife!) decided to make Paneer Paranthas for breakfast. The family sat at the table hogging as I sat there tapping my foot in impatience and trying very hard not to look at those absolutely delicious looking paranthas. In my humble opinion putting paranthas in front of a Punjabi and that too a hard core parantha lover like me when I can’t eat them amounts to no less than  first degree torture. 

Anyhow, breakfast was done with and we were ready to roll, with me driving and my parents criticizing me for driving too fast .I was in a rather irritated frame of mind and I swung into the hospital a bit too fast, almost scattering the guards and attendants standing at the entry. Now this hospital takes its duties on patient care a bit too seriously. It seems you can’t simply waltz inside and have your surgery. As soon as you enter the hospital you are put into a wheelchair even if you don’t need one - and there was no way I was  going to be wheeled inside when I could walk on my two legs.  As the guard opened the door for me, I saw an attendant ready with the wheelchair. Obviously not believing that this crazy woman could be a patient he asked me “Madam patient kahan hai”. “Main hoon patient” I snapped and bounded up the stairs while the attendant ran after me with vain attempts to put me in that wheelchair.

After the forms were filled out, I was settled in my room and then began the long wait for the surgeon. I waited and waited with my stomach growling louder and louder with each passing minute. After 2 hrs I was told that he was stuck in the surgery and would be delayed. By this time my father – never a patient man was marching up and down the room and muttering evil things about surgeons who don’t know the value of time. He at the best of the times is useless in all medical emergencies and was rather unhappy about being stuck in a hospital room with his daughter. The daughter meanwhile had resigned herself to her fate and was busy reading Kiran Desai’s hullabaloo in the guava orchard (a delightful book by the way – a review shall follow) and making valiant efforts not to think of food and water. But after a while even Kiran Desai was unsuccessful in diverting my mind and I had tantalizing images of crispy paranthas with butter, rajma chawal, pasta and chocolate cakes floating in my mind. I had one look at my father ceaselessly walking about and decided it was time he went home. Hell If I didn't have an IV sticking out of one arm and I could hoist myself out of bed in my food deprived state I would have gone home with them!  

Me: "Dad you should go home. You’ll just get tired sitting here. Anyway it’s time for your lunch I don’t think you should miss it." 

Dad: Nonchalantly patting his stomach – "No, No don’t worry I am not hungry at all. I had two Paneer paranthas for breakfast!"

What the *#%^&*!!

Anyway I finally convinced them to return home and they left after extracting a promise from the nurse to let them know as soon as the surgery starts.

Afterwards ..

Off course, the nurse forgot to inform my parents and I snapped out of the anesthetic almost immediately after the surgery – something no one had expected me to do. I woke up alone with a nurse patting my head soothingly and saying something on the lines of don’t worry your folks will be here soon. To which I responded, "No they wont, they never miss their afternoon nap". (Don’t ask me why I said that) Anyhow, the parents arrived soon after, extremely contrite and upset on reaching late. (yes, yes I am going to milk the situation and make them feel guilty for not being there for the next 20 years or so). 

The nurses at this hospital were very efficient except for one nurse who I am convinced was rather scatter brained and hard of hearing.

Dad had left and it was just me and mom in the room. Mom decided to use the loo. As luck would have it the lock was broken and she got stuck inside. I off course could do nothing to help her from my supine position on the bed. Finally I rang for the nurse. Enter this short nurse peering at me owlishly from behind thick spectacles. Although I was out of the anaesthetic I could barely speak at that time – so I croaked something on the lines of bathroom, mom, lock which this lady off course didn't understand. Finally she understood the word bathroom and thought I needed to go. So she goes towards the bathroom, tries to open the door, says Ohh andar to koi hai and walks off! The funniest thing is I could hear my mother’s frantic knockings from my bed but she didn’t hear a thing!! Luckily another nurse came in soon after and rescued my mom. 

The rest of my stay passed uneventfully except that the attendant once again tried very hard to get me into the wheel chair when I was discharged. Although I could barely walk, I refused, almost snarling at the nurse who said I would be more comfortable in a wheel chair. The poor staff was left shaking their heads after me as I hobbled out of the door. :p

Book Review: Hilawi by Ritu Lalit

Ritu Lalit is a blogger par excellence and blogs at PhoenixRitu. If you havent read her blog, I suggest you go over and do it right now!

When you have been reading a person for a long time, you set a certain expectations. You expect the person to stick to a certain genre, employ a certain writing style. Usually even writers play safe and stick to the style and genre they feel most comfortable in. It takes immense gumption and I must say a certain amount of dare to venture out of the comfort zone and enter into a hitherto unknown territory. Most writers don’t do it. But then if there is one person I can expect to go off the beaten track, it is Ritu Lalit.

With Hilawi she ventures into a genre of fantasy and suspense, and she doesn’t just hesitatingly tiptoe into this arena, she does it with her characteristic panache and aplomb! In Hilawi, Ritu takes mythology, fantasy and ancient folklore and intertwines it with the present day to bring us an enthralling tale of intrigue and suspense.

Hilawi is the story of Yaduvir and Gargi  – twins who with one phone call find themselves jolted out of their hitherto uneventful lives and thrown head front into the world of myths, half-forgotten legends and  magic chants as they try to unravel the mystery behind Hilawi.

In my opinion, Fantasy is the one of the most difficult genre to write in. Most writers have taken mythological tales and simply rewritten them in the modern format with a little bit of spice and fiction thrown in. Ritu on the other hand, takes the ancient legend of sagar manthan and weaves an entirely new tale around it that is set in the modern times. Only a writer with a fertile imagination and a certain amount of ingenuity can manage to do that.

The writing style is simple but crisp, with strong clear characterization, and a plot that twists and turns and changes within the blink of an eye. This book is a roller coaster ride, your heart is always your mouth but you enjoy every moment of it. It’s extremely fast paced and you feel you will miss something even if you as much as skip a sentence by mistake. Ritu skillfully keeps her readers spellbound and totally enthralled till the very end.

This book is definitely worth a read !                   

How to hit where it hurts !

Sometimes I feel that most men in this country consider eve teasing and leching at women as their constitutional right, especially since the Police or the law does nothing to prove them otherwise.

We have all had to deal with “lechers” who ogle at us as we walk down the street, men in buses who try to touch and grope and stand too close. Most of us ignore such incidents. This is our biggest mistake. Ignoring these men will just make them more confident. They need to be taught a lesson. I have lost count of the number of times I have stomped on a man’s foot in a crowded bus or poked him with a safety pin. Once a group of us even confronted the men who were ogling at us through the window of the café we were sitting in.

I also strongly feel that every girl needs to learn some self-defense tactics so that she knows how to defend herself if the need arises.

Last week, my company organized a session on self-defense for women. As much as I applaud this initiative by them a part of me is also very angry that in this godforsaken society of ours, the crime against women are on such a high that organizations are actually having sessions on how to protect yourself from a potential rapist!

I have listed some of the things that we were taught there. Some of you may already be aware of these points, or may want to add more points that you think are worth sharing. Please feel free to do so.

1. Pepper spray is one of the best defenses. It is 100 times stronger than your average chili powder and will debilitate a man for at least 10-15 minutes. Keep it handy where it can be reached for easily. For example instead of putting it inside your purse, put it in an outside pocket.

2. Safety pins come in very handy if someone is standing too close to you in a bus – try poking the man really hard with it. You can also hit him with your elbow or stomp on his feet with all your might – works very well especially if you are wearing heels!

3. There are many handy “weapons” in our handbags. We can use our keys and pens to poke the man in his eyes, credit cards to slash against the neck or arm, even a comb if used with a lot of force against the arm can tear skin and draw blood. Even better, take the comb and run it with a lot of force on the upper lip of the man – just under the nose – if done with enough force it can actually tear the lips and gums.

4. Keep a whistle in your purse that has a very piercing and sharp sound. In a danger situation, try blowing on the whistle. Works better than shouting for help.

5. Suppose you have been pushed down grab whatever comes in your hand – sand/mud and fling it in his face. Or try to grab a stone and hit him hard with it.

6. If you are alone in the lift with a man who looks shady to you, simply press all the buttons till the floor you want to go to. This way the lift will stop at every floor.

7. When travelling alone by an auto or taxi at night, call someone and give them the vehicle number and other details. This way the driver will know that someone has his details. Even if you can’t get hold of anyone on the phone, pretend to have a conversation with someone.

8. If your car is parked in a lonely spot, always take out your car keys before you leave the building to walk towards your car.Make sure you are not standing in a lonely spot rummaging in your purse for the keys. Same applies to house keys. 


We were also taught the various ways in which you can hit a man and debilitate him for the few precious seconds that you need to run. We also identified the various body parts you can cause injury to and how you should do it:

·With your fingers, poke him in the eye with as much force as you can. A finger straight in the eye is extremely painful.

· If the assaulter is facing you, try choking him. Don’t try to choke him by putting both your hands around his neck. That doesn’t work. Put your fingers near to where his tonsils are (on both sides of the wind pipe) and press hard.

· Punch him on the nose. Or even better try putting your fingers in his nostrils and push upwards with all your might (yuck I now, but it might give you those few seconds to run!)

·Grab his ears and pull with all your might. If if you are grabbed from behind under your arm pits – raise your hands and get hold of his ears – then pull downwards as hard as possible. A lady tried his and literally tore off the top of the ears of the assaulter.  


· Grab hold of his finger and pull backwards with all your strength till you hear a click sound. A Broken finger is extremely painful ! 

· Bite anywhere and bite hard enough to draw blood

· Punch the man hard in his stomach or hit with your knee.

· With your leg or knee, hit him between the legs – but divert his mind by hitting somewhere else first because if he moves even a bit you will end up hitting him on the thigh which will just make you lose your balance.

· Kick him hard in his shin, especially if you are wearing shoes.

· Take your foot behind his leg and hit him hard on the back of his knee or shin – he will just topple over.

· If he is behind you,hit him hard with your elbow. Try raising your elbow as high as you can so you manage to hit his face.

· If he has grabbed you from behind and pinned down your arms, raise your leg backwards and hit him hard between the legs or stomp on his foot, or bite on the arm holding you down till you draw blood.

Last but not the least don’t Panic. A cool mind helps you think rationally. It’s not always physical strength that matters. Most of the time it’s the presence of mind and courage that helps you save yourself.

Oprah and the Art of putting your Foot in the Mouth!

I used to almost like Oprah. I've never watched her show, but I was among the crowd that attended her session at the Jaipur Literary fest. Although I really couldn't understand the adulation even then, she did come across as someone sensible to me. Then last weekend I saw her show “Oprah’s New Chapter: India” On Discovery.

I was prepared to see poverty, the slums, the cows and the half-naked kids. That’s how we are usually portrayed in the west. What I was not prepared for was Oprah’s totally crass and insensitive attitude.

The show begins with Oprah paying a visit to where else but the slums.! Perhaps we should promote Dharavi as one of our tourist destinations! She visits a young family (A couple and their 3 daughters) living in a 10X10 room and after kissing and cuddling the kids and saying how honored she felt to visit them, she got down to business. While sitting with the family in their small room she kept emphasizing how this family of 5 was living in such a cramped space. And to make sure that the viewers don’t miss her point, she slid across the entire room to indicate just how tiny it was. Then she had the insensitivity to ask the young daughter if she was unhappy or if she ever felt cramped living here. More shocked exclamations and “Oh my Gods “followed when the girl promptly replied “No”. 

After spending about five minutes pontificating about the size of the room and repeatedly wondering aloud about how they manage to sleep and live here, she turns to the father and asks him if he was happy and satisfied with what he was doing for his family. After getting the poor man all teary eyed and riddled with guilt she then turned to the kids and remarked how difficult it must be to see ones father cry ! I am sure the kids who till that point were just excited to have a celebrity visit their home were left feeling ashamed of how they lived. How sensitive of you Oprah, to make a young impressionable child suddenly realize how much she is lacking in life! I hated the uncouth way she treated those decent people who so gracefully welcomed her in their home - For god’s sake this was a family and not some exhibits in a freak show! 


And in her myopic way she doggedly refused to see how all the girls went to school, spoke in perfect English to her and looked so very confident of themselves. That the house, however small was neat and clean,that there was a LCD TV on the wall and the parents deserved appreciation for what they were giving their girls and not pity or guilt trips.

I suppose she wanted to highlight the economic disparity in India because next she visited the Somanis, a rich family living in the posh part of Mumbai. The family welcomed her grandly and literally served her food in silver thalis. So what does our lady do? She sits down at the table and in that very condescending manner of hers remarks “I hear some people in India still eat with their hands”. Dear God! I expected a lot more cultural sensitivity here. Who sits down with a meal with their host and then nonchalantly pass comments on how they eat? Just stop playing the dumb, ignorant foreigner! This is just like sitting down to dinner with a Japanese family and remarking “So I hear people in japan still eat with two small pieces of wood?”
The least I expected from her was to do her homework. She should know everybody in this country – irrespective of their economic or social status eat with their hands. Or perhaps she was naïve enough to think that we of the land of snake charmers and elephants have never heard of cutlery?

During the meal she continued to enlighten the viewers about how every Indian family is a joint family and how the Mother in Law still rules and the daughter in Law still does her bidding.

Next, she took herself off to a Bollywood party where she cornered poor A R Rahman and instead of talking about his music proceeded to be amazed by the fact that he had an arranged marriage and still lived with his mother. Insufferable!

My problem is not so much that Oprah showed the side of India many of us don’t want the world to see. Yes, we do have our poverty, we do have horrible infrastructure and we do have our widows of Vrindavan. It would be ridiculous to bury our head in the sand like ostriches and cry foul every time someone criticizes us. What I do take umbrage to however, is her insensitivity, her gross ignorance and her insistence of portraying India in a skewed manner.

I agree that India is a land of dichotomy and in the caricatured image that the western media usually portrays of us, everybody is either wretchedly poor or unbelievably rich. But beyond the glaring poverty and the opulence, there is another India – An India of the rising urban middle class, An India of technological progress, An India of women Power – where despite the enormous gender issues that we still face our women are so much more empowered than their counterparts of even a generation back; an India that is fast on the track to becoming an economic superpower. I wonder why all this is never mentioned! 
But then as the undisputed queen of melodrama Oprah knows what gets the show’s ratings up and what doesn't!

Oprah is an extremely popular chat show host, and with popularity comes immense responsibility. She knew this show would be watched by millions across the world, and I expected a more balanced, sensible and unprejudiced approach from her. Instead her show was riddled with stereotypes and clichés, her manner patronizing and her research shoddy.

Sorry Oprah, but for the millions of Indians who actually liked you, you just fell off their pedestal with a loud thump !